Sobriety & clarity

Sobriety brought clarity to the unmanageable parts of my life. I had turned to substances to maintain the appearance of a “successful” life, but without drugs certain aspects were no longer tenable. I ended a 26-year relationship and left my job as part of the Great Resignation of 2021. 

I had spent the entirety of my career creating and growing two consulting firms and an IT business. I created the human resource divisions while also serving as CFO. This pursuit of the corporate American definition of success was slowly killing me. As the only female executive for the firms, I was the employee with the longest tenure, yet I made 56% less than the next lowest paying male executive. I watched as those above me took credit for my work and creativity. The stress of financial planning and projections was never ending. When those above me were stressed I bore the brunt of their hostile outbursts. I was often berated and criticized for not doing enough which I internalized a belief that I was not enough. I started using cocaine to manage the workload as well as to find a respite from the unending stress.

The journey to freedom

The journey to freedom from this lifestyle left me with debilitating CPTSD. I dedicated myself to researching healing modalities and found that a mindfulness component was at the core of each. Upon this discovery, I quit everything I was doing and directed all my energy to practicing and studying mindfulness. My life transformed rapidly as I found deep healing from the traumas of childhood and a connection to the authentic spiritual self that I had persistently ignored. Mindfulness has been my path toward freedom from the suffering caused by trauma and the mental prisons produced by a capitalist consumeristic society.  With mindfulness and the encouragement of therapists and teachers I began to allow myself to rest, recovering from the belief that my value was dependent upon my productivity.  With awareness and compassion, I gained the ability to be fully present in my body with my whole sensory, feeling, and mental experience. Mindfulness enabled me to turn toward the uncomfortable feelings and events that I’d spent a lifetime running from,I befriended and inhabited my body fully and learned to love all the parts of myself. Mindfulness granted me the freedom to be my most authentic self.

Throughout my developmental years there were no examples, books, or discussions about individuals who didn’t fit the  gender binary ideal, which ostracized people like me. The binary sends a message that any deviation from the dualistic ideology was a wrong choice. This led to a life of deep loneliness and feeling as if something was fundamentally wrong with me borne of the false belief that I didn’t belong. I silently witnessed the harsh misogynistic judgements from the people I cared deeply for. This led to a lifetime of great confusion and dangerous secrecy as I denied my authentic self. I learned at an early age that it wasn’t safe to share my true ideas with anyone. I tried to mask and become what was “right,” hating myself and the body I was trapped in. I felt like a male. I related with my male peers most authentically, often forgetting I wasn’t one of them, and yet at every turn I was harshly punished, ignored, and denied opportunities by the males in my environment. The dogmatic religious community of my childhood left wounds that have been some of the most difficult to repair. With mindful awareness, I began to heal the deep gender wounds that resulted from being raised in a community with rigid patriarchal gender roles. I am a transgender person identifying as nonbinary. With mindfulness I have learned to love and allow myself to fully be who I am before they told me who to be.